Santa is really an android robot thing. They take him apart every year and store him away for the summer. Unfortunately, this year, when they put him back together, they discovered that his Jolliness Circuits had all melted down. After he was rebooted, he ate three of the elves and set fire to the toy warehouse, so they had to dismantle him again.
No one seems to be able to reach the Kris Kringle Geek Squad either. They've moved and left no forwarding address, and their web site is down.
Unless someone can figure out how to fix Santa,
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED THIS YEAR!!!!