Wednesday, September 12, 2007

True Tales of Yard Sales: I Don't Give a Damn!

A Drama in One Act

Our intrepid heroes, Eddie and Keith, are driving through their neighborhood one Saturday morning en route to yet another yard sale. As usual they are engrossed in conversation.

E: I wonder why there aren’t that many yard sales in our neighborhood?

K: Would we go if there were?

Of course! Got to support the local folks, you know.

Suddenly, they come upon a sale not too far from their house.

Should we stop?

Do you want to?

It’s up to you.

Got to support the local folks, you know.

The yard is empty, except for tables full of stuff for sale. No one else is in sight. No home owner. No yard sale proprietor. No one.

Suddenly, from within the house, a very loud, very enraged voice booms out:
“You can’t fucking hit someone with that! What the fuck is wrong with you?"

This is followed by an equally loud, equally enraged voice:
“I don’t give a damn! I’ll do it if I fucking want to!”

A dialogue of sorts ensues.

VLVE Voice:
I’ve got customers out there.

ELEE Voice: I don’t give a damn!

You need to act right!!

ELEE: I’ll do whatever I fucking feel like.

At this point, a small woman comes out on the porch and says:
“If you have any questions, just let me know.”

She is apparently oblivious to the fact that our leading men are standing there with their mouths hanging open in astonishment. She goes back in the house and the drama continues:

VLVE (who is in actuality the small woman):
I said you can’t fucking do that.

I don’t give a damn! I’ll do what I fucking want!

This goes back and forth a few more times, then the small woman comes back out on the porch and says:
“You have to excuse her. She’s young and kind of messed up. You know.”

She’s still oblivious to the fact that our heroes have expressions on their faces akin to those people have upon landing on other planets. She goes back in, and the fun ensues once more.

I said I’ve got customers out there, dammit! Keep your goddam voice down! (Said without a change from the previous volume and completely without any sense of irony whatsoever.)

I don’t give a damn! You can’t fucking tell me what to do!

Eddie (grabbing Keith by the arm):
Let’s go before they get the guns out!

I want to see how much this is.

It’s broken. It’s ugly. It’s dirty. You don’t want it. We don't need it. I’ll buy you a new one. Come on, now, before they start shooting!

K: What about supporting the local folks?

E: I didn't mean the crazy local folks!

K (as they drive off): Well, now we know why there aren’t more sales in our ‘hood!


1 comment:

Sarah and Jack said...

This is pretty damn funny.