Wednesday, December 09, 2015

Thoughts from a Scan

I had my scan yesterday.  I'll get results next week.  Getting a scan is a lengthy process.  If you've never done one, you would think they just shove you in the machine, yank you out, and that is that.

In actuality, it takes about two and a half hours for the full body scan, which is what I get.  First off, you have to do all the prep stuff:  blood sugar check, isotope injection, and contrast consumption.  The contrast is gross-tasting, like an off-flavor Tang.  After that, there's a wait for the contrast and the isotope to get all over your insides, so they'll be all glowy and stuff for the scan.  Bear in mind, that while this is happening, you are very aware that you haven't eaten for HOURS.

The scan itself takes about 40 minutes, or at least mine do.  They do two scans on me.  The first is a head/neck scan, which is the short scan.  This is followed by the rest of the body, which is longer, and also requires that I hold my arms above my head, which makes it seem a lot longer.  My shoulders are always so stiff that I can barely lower them when it's over.  I do have to admit that this part is a lot more bearable since the steroids came into my life.

That's a lot of time just laying around, doing nothing, which means that I start getting bored, which means that my mind starts to wander on to all kinds of bizarre things.  If I actually got around to typing all the blog posts I have drafted in my head during my scans, you all would either think I'm a genius or totally insane.  (As if you don't already.)

This time, however, there was a bit of a wrinkle.  I've been taking anti-biotics for the past week or so to finish off my post-Thanksgiving illness.  I took the last one today, so that's done.  Everything is cleared up, even the cough is gone.  I'm feeling good, but this process has not been without side effects.

To be blunt, the anti-biotics have made me...well...a little...gassy.

Now, I'm not talking blow-the-door off, clear-the-room all-out farts.  These are just little build ups of air in the gut that have to go somewhere.  Somewhere, as in outside of me.   Generally, it's just a bunch of tiny toots.  A bunch.  Usually these little spells last for several minutes and happen two or three times a day.  Since I took the last pill today, I'm expecting them to stop in a day or two.

Of course, one of these spells hits while I'm getting the scan.  As I'm sitting in the injection room, waiting for the contrast to take effect, I just start firing off a series of these little toots.  It lasts for about ten minutes or so and then it passes.  I'm alone in a closed room, so it's no big deal.

Until I get to the long scan.  And another spell hits.  I'm in the scanner.  The tech is in another room, running things.  These are the thoughts that result.

"I gotta fart."

"Should I fart?"

"Who would know?  Maybe I should fart."

"What if I accidentally move a little when I fart?  Would that mess up the scan?"

"I would hate to have to do this again, just because I farted."

"Surely I can fart without moving.  Don't most people?  I've never seen any fart wigglers. Or wiggly farters."

"What if I don't fart?  Will that show up on the scan?"

"I couldn't eat or drink, because that would show up on the scan.  Would a suppressed fart show up?"

"It's just a cloud of air in my gut.  Would a cloud of air show up? I guess it could make me look bloated."

"If I look bloated, would that be some sort of sign on the scan that could be misinterpreted?"

"I would hate to get bad news next week, just because I didn't fart."

"If I get bad news because I didn't fart, then I would have to tell them that I had to fart and didn't."

"I don't want to go to the cancer clinic and talk about my farts."

"Maybe this kind of thing happens all the time, and they can tell on the scan when someone needed to fart and didn't."

"Would that get noted in my file, where anyone could read it?"

"I would hate for all the interns to be looking at me and thinking: 'So this is the fart represser.'"

"How would I explain that to Chiquito?" 

"If I farted, and they could tell that, would that end up in my file?"

"Would people start watching me to see if I'm going to fart?"

"Nobody wants to be known as 'the farty dude.'"

"I'd rather be called 'Gassy Guy!'"

"That would be a good super-hero name."

"Just fart already and get this over with."

"I'm totally going to have to blog this."

In the end, I decided to fart.  We'll see what the result was next week.  I'm working on my Gassy Guy costume, just in case.


Joy@aVintageGreen said...

Scans and the stuff that goes with them are NOT fun and your dialogue was so funny as well as so real. Hugs.

Melissa said...

Those scans are awful. My patients have to get them every month. Your internal dialogue had my rolling! Thanks for making me smile.

We are: Clamco said...

Now you've got me curious to know if a suppressed fart shows up on a scan. LOL!

Linda @ A La Carte said...

You make me laugh out loud! I use to say I was like a boat, putt putt putt as I walked. Your brain is an interesting but scary thing.

Donna Wilkes said...

It must be a Southern saying. I was thinking, "Oh, Eddie went motorboating - putt, putt, putt!" Just like Linda.

Shara said...

When I had my gall bladder surgery I was full of gas - they put it in you to air you up so they can get in to the gall bladder - or something much more medical sounding than that. Anyway, the gas just came out of NOWHERE and it was awful! A male nurse from England told me "to fart no matter where you are" so, I did. I am happy that your mind wanders and you have kept up your sense of humor. Here's to a good scan report! *clink!*

Roger Owen Green said...

funny stuff!

Judy said...

Oh my goodness! You have me guffawing out loud. You have a wonderful sense of humor while dealing with something so serious. Here's hoping for a clean scan.